WHY PEOPLE LIE - By Amrita Sharma


Is honesty really a virtue when it comes to keeping a relationship together? It it is, why do people lie at all?

PEOPLE (parents and society): "Speak the truth!"
Your conscience (echo from backstage): "The truth! The truth!"
Sound familiar? These earnest theatrics performed (usually by your parents) for your benefit when you're just a toddler? Till there's no running away from the ricochet the words leave in your head for the rest of your life? Speak the truth, they say, and you can set anything right!

But does honesty really pay? Especially when dealing with people you love? What role does it play in the chaos that relationships usually become?

HONESTY DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK
Honesty once used to be the barometer of a relationship. It used to be that if you were honest about having eaten your brother's share of chocolate and not say that it probably flew out the window, you'd not feel the sting of the whip. (Pardon the exaggeration, but the past is nostalgic and to wrap it in a romantic glow is irresistible).

But, as with the rest of the old adages, the truth doesn't really seem to work any more. For it seems that the question has become a little more complicated than chocolate.

When Priya Mathur revealed that she envied her friend and collegemate, Radhika, for marrying Vikram, a classmate, Radhika took offence. Says Priya, "Impulsively, I told her how much I envied her for getting Vikram. But that did it. She turned as cold as ice, as if I was all set to steal him. Since then, she's hurled innuendos and allusions at my crush on him and embarrassed me. I hated myself for telling her that, but I had no idea she would be so mean to me," she says.

DO SMALL LIES WORK BETTER?

Sometimes, it's truth that spells doom. It seems that occasional small lies in a relationship work as blinkers that protect the relationship - especially in modern living. Today, it seems that honesty is required only in such measures as would ensure peace, harmony, congeniality and, paradoxically, even love. If there's any proverb that holds true here, it's "Too much of anything is bad" - even honesty. Excess honesty is capable of eroding a relationship.

Like in the film 'Drishti', where the male protagonist, while analysing the failure of his marriage, tells his wife, "The problem with our marriage is that we were too honest with each other!" He then goes on to describe the reason for his successful relationship with his live-in girlfriend: "There's an empty space between us - a kind of no-man's land, which we fill by little, inconsequential lies."

LYING BY OMISSION

Withholding information is also a form of lying. Many a time, people keep to themselves information which, if revealed, might lead to unpleasant consequences.

Pawan Kapoor, an advertising executive, keeps his visits to a childhood friend, Aman, an alcoholic, a secret from his wife. It wasn't like that in the beginning. But whenever he told her he'd visited Aman, she'd throw a fit and a fight would ensue. Sick of the regular squabbles on so minor an issue, Pawan finally "started visiting Aman on the pretext of going to a meeting or an official dinner. She would relax in this knowledge and so would I," he says.

BUT IS LYING RIGHT?

There are many people who question the very basis of a marriage, if a partner can lie unscrupulously and get away with it. Says Mridula Rao, a marriage counsellor, "In such cases, it's the intention behind lying that must be kept in mind. And in most cases, you'll see that the end justifies the means!"

LYING, AN ADEQUATE COMPROMISE?

Most human beings find themselves in situations where the circumstance prima facie calls upon you to decide between two things or persons. Deep down, you know that the tug-of-war isn't worth it, and yet, you can't lose out on either. Such a dilemma is common to people who don't believe in succumbing entirely to the suppressing forces or in rebelling against them and hurting those they love. So, in most cases, we lie so as to not hurt the person concerned.

IF ONLY THEY'D UNDERSTAND...

The nature of the person who's being lied to is an important factor that determines whether one should lie or not. Says Susan Forward, an internationally renowned therapist, "With-Is honesty really a virtue when it comes to keeping a relationship together? If it is, why do people lie at all?

WHY PEOPLE LIE

Witholding information from someone who is volatile, unpredictable and punitive is a survival strategy. The fact is that if the other person were capable of understanding the problem, then there would be no problem at all.

Like it was for Kavita Ahuja, a school teacher, who decided to open her own bank account without telling her husband. "My husband and I had a joint account. But I found that he spent money rather lavishly and we'd often end up with very little cash when we needed it. So, I decided to secretly open an account for myself. Now, having my own account gives me great support and independence!"

SO, SHOULD WE LIE?

The virtue of honesty doesn't seem desirable or successful always. It has come to be highly circumstantial, depending on time, place, people and consequence. Says Dr. Susan Forward, an internationally renowned therapist, "Obviously total honesty is desirable when dealing with someone who is operating from a position of goodwill and concern, but not with one who could turn vengeful and mean."

So, what does this mean? That if being truthful means hurting other people's feelings, perhaps we should think twice before being honest? That when a white lie can help avoid hurt feelings or even save a loved one from a trouble, then it stands on a much higher pedestal than the truth itself?

Obviously not It is important to be truthful over things that really matter, especially if it could mean getting someone into trouble.

IS THERE A WAY OUT?

Yes. Talk it over.
A lie never takes you far. You are always living in the danger of being found out. And one day, when you inevitably are, the effects can only be disastrous. For there is no hurt to compare with the knowledge that you don't trust the one you love - no matter how justified you may be. So, if you find yourself lying to somebody who matters to you, it's time to take stock of your situation. And the only way out is probably to come clean - and talk it over.

Chalk And Cheese

man's prime concern is to be respected. Woman's is to be liked.
Thanks to John Gray's wisdom -at least in part - men and women can, if they wish, learn to play each other like fiddles. They can also choose to watch each other a little more respectfully in search of role models. Then, maybe, we could have the best of both worlds.