have you ever face a moment when you do not even know what you really want in life?
a moment?  jUnie would say ...well, tons of them :). 

my ex boss used to tell me long ago, * its still ringing in my ears untill now* just go and take a step ahead young lady.  what are you waiting for?  are you still serving for those buggers ppl up there?  i dont want to see you stuck in there for the rest of your life. 

it has nothing to do with a conflict of interest or anything by him saying that to me.  luck wasnt at his side when we worked together in the ministry.  at some point, i agree with him.  i should go.  at times, i do feel, it it so damn hard, when your heart said this, while your head said that. 

then the deadly question popped out.  what exactly do you want? dont u you want to do anything for your life?  dont u want to make me proud?  i know you would do great out there, trust me.  life is about learning.  ppl dont stop learning.   the door is always open, it only awaits you to come in. 

arghhhhhh...i just stood there, looking down.  he then gave me this look.  oh okay, i knew it, i will sure ' kena one ' this time around.  sigh.  d$ush dush dush, i know deep inside his heart, he cares about me. :((

i would love to hear his voice again, *everyday since we parted ways* but i am too afraid to call him.  afraid to have to listen to it again. :((.  saya bukanlah seorang yg ibarat kacang lupakan kulit.   honestly, i am just afraid if he know, i am still NOT doing anything for thesake of my future.  

that was 3 years back, now?  look at me?  it has been nearly 4 years, and i am still here !!
my ICSA?  what happened to that?  theres a saying, if u believe you can, you can.

i am a person who likes to do things simple.  the truth is, i dont want to mess with my mind.  i prefer not to think on something that would hurt my brain. unfortunately, i am such.  LOL as silly as it may sound.

mother wants me to teach.  she wants me to become an educationist.  that was never in my head before this.  plus, i am too stubborn.  now its nina's turn.  when i was little, i am not sure, whether i do have an ambition or not.  my xboss said, i wasnt ambitious enough.  i do have hopes and desires.  it just amatter of would i be telling the rest of the world, or keeping it to my ownself. 

now, how do i prove him wrong?  if only he knew :(

sometimes, it feels like it is better to be living on your own fantasy life which i have been doing this past 29 years rather than sharing it with another human being.  how i envy those persons that i adore. without them knowing that ive been peeking silently into their stories. 

dont be sad will you, it is kerana Allah swt.  we do this just because of Him. 

i know i would be just fine, insyallah. 

ps : in a midst of achieving a happier life ...